Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Dear God............


One year ago last week, we were told that Lindsay was officially listed for a heart transplant. At first it was ok, any day from that point, we could get "the call". Cell phones were charged at all times and numbers to everyone in the immediate family were given in case for some strange reason they couldn't get a hold of us. The wait and the journey to me, officially began there. Thankful. The next week was Thanksgiving. A little strange to have our thanksgiving dinner in the hallway at the hospital, but we made due. The meal was delicious by the way and probably the best turkey that I have ever tasted! A catering company donates their services to the families of the children in the hospital every year. It really was a great dinner. Just strange. It was strange to not have the whole family together sitting at the beautifully decorated table and eating until we couldn't possibly fit anything else in our bellies. It was even strange to not have the conversation around the table that we usually do. I remember eating and then I went and found a reclining chair in the ICU waiting room and fell asleep for about 2 hours or so. My mom spend that whole time loving on Lindsay and to be perfectly honest, I was so exhausted from the previous months ups and downs, I can't even tell you where the boys, husband, and step-father went off to during this time. Apparently I needed to catch up on some sleep and relax a little. Thankful. In Lindsay's short little life, she had already missed having two holidays at home. More my sadness about that than hers I guess. The next holiday, (deep breathe) Christmas. In this past 1 1/2 years, I have really made HUGE strides in just letting things fall as they should instead of being the planner that I always have been. I would really get bent out of shape when plans would fall through or my day didn't go as expected. I don't do that anymore.....because I can't. I can't do that because if I did, I would end up in the loony bin!!!! Thankful. I have also grown closer to God........Thankful! He has given me strength when I needed it the most and He has also taught me to "go with the flow" a little better. We almost lost Lindsay 4 or 5 times that I can think of and one of those times.....well, If you have been following our story, you know what we had to do. Something no parent should EVER have to think about or even discuss. But we did. Crazy as it sounds, I'm thankful for that as well. I think because of that, my husband and I grew even closer. They say that in tough times like this, married people tend to drift apart and to be perfectly honest, in some ways we are closer. Thankful! At this point, the Lindsay Dean Heart Fund committee went into full force trying to raise enough money to keep us out of the hole and not loose our home. Well, we are here, still have our house........Thankful! I have been asked lately......how are you guys doing financially? Really, I don't how to answer that one. I think we are struggling like every other American out there but ours is a little different. We did have to fall from a double income household to a single income and trust me, I have fallen asleep many nights with migraines worrying "what in God's name are we going to do?" And then it happens. Some generous persons gave us a gift(you know who you are) so that our children will have a memorable Christmas at HOME and to take the burden off of us to be able to enjoy it instead of worrying about how we are gong to pay off the credit card when the bill comes. Thankful. And this is just one. There have been many "surprises" our way. Thankful. Now, I have always been a "do it myself" kind of person and really have never asked for more than $20 bucks to borrow. So, the generosity that has been given to our family.....ahhh....well, Thankful. I have been trying to "pay it forward" already with a few things that all of you will read about in your Christmas letter, but I struggle with repaying all that has helped us. I don't even know if that is possible. I know what you are going to say, "Suzie. You are crazy. You will NOT pay us back because we know that you would have done the same for us." But that is how I am feeling and I think I will always struggle because that is how God made me. Thankful....I think. ;-) We are blessed beyond what words can explain. I think that maybe that's my dilemma. I don't know what I can say that could possibly express how we feel towards all of you. I just don't know. All I know is that we are THANKFUL for all of you and we will always hold you near and dear to our hearts because if it weren't for you, we would be living in a one bedroom apartment in the slums. No joke.
So, as I prepared some super yummy potatoes tonight in preparation for tomorrow, I get teary eyed knowing that we don't have to go find a chair in the hallway to eat, or go home to get the kids so that we all can be together. We were blessed by a selfless donor family that has given us this opportunity to share with our daughter, as a family. Thankful. They have given us Christmas, New Year's, Easter, etc. to share with her. Thankful.

Dear God~
Thank you for making this day possible for our family. Thank you for giving us this opportunity to thank all of our loved ones and who have prayed for our family during this past year and a half. Thank you for letting us serve you and getting to learn and know you better through Lindsay. I believe you did this all for a reason, and reasons I have yet to have clarity on, but maybe that is your plan and I will accept that. I have learned to accept what you have given us and sometimes I may not know how to handle it, but in time you show me how and everything turns out as it should. You knew Lindsay had a purpose. You sent the donor family our way and your plan is coming together. I pray though for those that don't get to have this precious time with their loved ones. But, that is your plan and hopefully people are learning from you and what you have layed out for them. Thank you for our boys. Thank you for giving them the strength to know the mommy and daddy will be back home together soon. And......thank you for being you. For that, we are THANKFUL.
Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
Heart Blessings!
Suzie

16 comments:

Stephanie said...

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving! I'm so happy you guys are together this year and everyone is healthy!!!!

Rebecca said...

Thank you, precious friend, for sharing your life, your heart, your intimate thoughts, and most of all, your beautiful family with us! All of you are so dear to our hearts, too!

Kiss the Princess for me tomorrow and let her know that her being at home with you is something that we are VERY thankful for!

Love you~ Rebecca

Katie said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!! So glad you're home for it this year and that the princess is doing so great! Crawling, wow! She looks beautiful in her pictures, as always. Hugs to you!

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

Beautiful post. Very heartfelt. Thank you for sharing Lindsey with me.
Thank you God for all that you have done for this wonderful family and what you have done for me through this family...

Stephanie said...

I love the new picture up!!!!! Can't wait to see the rest...she's gorgeous as always!

ShannonLeideker said...

I was actually in Mod. care listening while you got listed for the transplant list. I remember hearing that Lindsay was #8 on the list. (I may be wrong with the #) Ever since that day I have not stopped thinking about your family. After we left, we prayed about you everyday. I always thought "I wonder what happened with the cute baby, Lindsay?" I was so excited when I found your blog and was able to get updates on the princess. It has been an honor to be able to walk this journey with you through your blog. Thank you for updating and sharing your heart. Lindsay has beat all odds...She is a absolute MIRACLE! I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with the family. Give Lindsay a kiss from her heart buddy, Madison! GOD BLESS!

The Simmons Family said...

Happy Thanksgiving to the Dean Family!! Enjoy spending the day together, as a family. You have SO many wonderful things to be thankful for.

((HUGS))

kayla dean said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!! Glad to see all is going well for you and the princess, crawling....awesome!!!

How is JR healing?

Devon said...

We love you, Suzie, and we're so thankful that you're family can be together AT HOME this holiday. Lindsay is a gift to us all! I'm so thankful to have met you and Lindsay. You remind me each day to appreciate every moment with my daughter. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

The Davidson Family said...

Suzy and JR,

We are a big Family and nothing means more to us than to be together for the holidays and enjoy the company of loved ones. I would like to say to you that you are amazing people and great friends and We The Davidson Gang are so HAPPY for your family. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

The Lane Family said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings with those of us in blog land. You are an amazing family and I feel like our lives have been blessed by reading your blog.

The pictures are adorable and I LOVE Lindsey's cute red dress so sweet!!

Elaine said...

Suzie...

Well...you know how we feel. Words seem useless, the way I feel today. Your beautifully expressed post just makes me love you more. The first and only thing I said I was thankful for today at Thanksgiving dinner was "I am thankful for Lindsay's Heart"...that has defined my year and nothing else seems very important. My family is very lucky and very blessed. Thank you so much for writing today...it's wonderful to hear your words and know that you know how very much we love you.

Love on Thansgiving, Elaine

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful family's walk with God.

I have been following your Blog
through Laura Groen's Blog for Lindsay.

I continue to pray for your Lindsay, and God's blessings on her, as well as, I pray for God's continued strength for you and your family.

The pictures are awesome, thank you so much for sharing them.

Much Love and Prayers,
Daryl Lyn - New Jersey

The Hands said...

Amen...and amen! God is good...ALL the time!
Teary eyed too,
Angie

Kyle Keiser said...

I can't say anything your heart hasn't felt. You inspire others to live a better life. I wish I could do so much more to ease your worries when they hit the hardest.

Your thankfulness is the aura that surrounds you. No words needed.

with my love,
Kyle

evies Story said...

Oh Suzie
Your words speak to my heart. So glad for this day of giving thanks for your family and for the gift it is to all of us that you are home and together...with a healthy new beating heart!
The new pics are precious - cant wait to see more